Elizabeth Dawn 7/20/25 Elizabeth Dawn 7/20/25

Rewriting Family in Embroidered Vintage Fashion

I was introduced to Leslie Benigni at the 2024 VegFest, drawn into her booth by her embroidered artistry and quirky vintage fashion. We chatted briefly and I took a commission slip promising to reach out.

Seven months later, we met for coffee to discuss a collaboration.

Childhood, Grandmacore & Mastering Craft

Benigni has been a working artist since she was 13-years old. She started selling jewelry on Etsy and at local markets and craft fairs, wherever her parents would drive her. She expanded to vintage reselling and expressing herself through fashion led to embroidery.

One of the limiting factors of Benigni’s childhood is the closet control. What she wore was picked out for her, and her stylistic choices were judged harshly because outfits needed to match. She didn’t grow up rich, so her style was eclectic. “You get creative which develops resourcefulness and adaptability,” Benigni posits. In true artist rebellion, she believed she had the materials she needed, and the sewing skills, to transform her wardrobe into a closet of trends, “as seen in top of line catalogs like JCPenney.”

It was Benigni’s grandma who taught her how to embroider and sew in her childhood. I asked if she embroidered doilies and we shared a laugh. “It's funny you say that because the first thing she didn't want me to try on was her good handkerchiefs and linens. She gave me old washcloths and dishrags.”

Benigni’s desire for mastery was born. “Craft is an interesting word; it has specific nuance and historical importance. I am honing my craft is different than when you say I craft–it sounds stereotypical of a crafter, someone with a hobby. I’m serious about mastering a craft.”

She was 17-years old when Tumblr was at its peak. Benigni describes a pastel trendsetting wave of goth and prom, futuristic punk, emerging; Arctic Monkeys meets the Pinterest-popular rose-embroidered shorts. Shorts she decided to make herself.

Her shorts were perceived as “kind of grandma-ish”, their threaded essence reminded many of their moms, aunts and grandmas. Benigni wasn’t deterred, she loved the connection and leaned into Grandmacore. “It made me feel closer to my grandma who was the shining light in my childhood. [She] raised me for a good chunk of my life, and [she was] who I always went to for inspiration during difficult family times.”

The mention of difficult times revealed Benigni and I are both presently estranged from our families. She was pursuing a Creative Writing degree when she began the process of disconnection. “It was beautiful; a transformatory period. Up to that point, my writing was conventional and formulaic. My brain wanted to subvert all of it.”

Classically trained in both poetry and fiction, she began experimenting with form, replicating her thoughts and memories in a stream of consciousness. She penned a hybrid story about the disintegration of a relationship between two people. One person's memory and perception of the relationship was imposed upon by the other, controlling the dynamic.

“I feel like you just described my brother,” I related to Benigni.

front of my dad’s jean jacket, reclaimed with my symbolism in Benigni’s style

Rewriting Family Begins with Repair

Estrangement has allowed both of us to rewrite our lived experiences and save ourselves. The true meaning of family for us can be a nightmare of personal distortion. The grief and relief in the separation is a wave. When the COVID-19 pandemic hit, Benigni’s grandmother fell down the stairs and broke a leg, forcing her to live with Benigni’s aunt and uncle, who Benigni was not speaking to. “I still wanted to communicate with [my grandmother]. She deserved to hear I love her and think about her often. We would send each other letters ... [I told her] I don't expect you to understand why I've chosen this path. It’s not a reflection of how you raised me or how I feel about you. I just can't exist within this dynamic anymore. She was very understanding, which was helpful, because she was aware [of what happened].”

It is an act of healing, and can be a practice in forgiveness, to be met with understanding when you have had adverse childhood experiences. Those who can hold the space are angels. Benigni’s grandmother passed June 2022.

Those who cannot imagine being estranged, do not accept I can miss my family and be unmoved to pursue a relationship with them. Giving in to the shame for being a “bad daughter” is depressing. Benigni and I agree you can’t do anything differently until you try.

back of my dad’s jean jacket, reclaimed with my symbolism in Benigni’s style

The Collaborative Effect of Artistry

A favorite piece of clothing I have worn since high school, is a 1970s The Flick Button Up Denim Jacket; it was my dad’s when he was a teenager in Texas. I receive compliments when I wear it from people of all ages; it’s been stylistically referred to as cyber punk. Between sips of coffee and conversation, Benigni would hold up my dad’s jacket to inspect and admire it. “I'm intrigued by this shape and the brand.”

The jacket has a sewn vented back, pleats and a tail. It’s oversized and worn; the denim is smooth. Being estranged from my dad, the jacket and I have developed an equal strangeness; it becomes more tattered with every wear as the elbow holes and ripped seams catch on door handles and chairs. It distresses me for it to become distressed and I act as if I couldn't. care. less.

Benigni directs my thoughts to the nine symbols that appear in Memoirtistry and how to express them. As we collaborate, we decide to treat the jacket as my skin and cover it with embroidered “tattoos”.

The Ghosts, my three inner children aged 8, 12 & 20

The Eyes of The Ghosts, hidden inside The Pussy (right sleeve)

The Eyes of The Ghosts, hidden inside The Pussy (with teeth, because I bite). The Alien (green) and The Demon (red) wait for them to emerge.

So what’s next for Leslie Benigni?

“It's kind of morbid to say, but when I try to think ahead to the future ... I didn't see myself getting this far. It's inconceivable; I'm naively very open to whatever happens.”

Benigni sold her wares in New York City at the Grand Bazaar in March, which she feels is a jumping off point for bigger things. But her interests span mediums, from avant garde fashion to sculpture and visual art. She can see herself curating gallery experiences with clothing and textiles, creatively directing, and also partnering with brands she loves, like Bode.

Becoming Our Own Parents & Finding Community

“Meeting another person who has defected ... it’s a harder way. Even though I am not conscious of it as I make things, family is interwoven in all I do. So the goal is to make my younger self proud.”

Without a safety net of family, Benigni and I agree we’ve worked hard to cultivate deeper relationships so we can accept support when it is offered. “Community is a word I've been relying on,” she tells me, “I think there needs to be a better sense of community care, especially for kids; it takes a village. It’s important to grow up with a network of people beyond family.”

It takes a village the estranged are skilled in building; forced resilience will do that. Wearing a Benigni gives me an opportunity to make peace in estrangement. I’m clothed in understanding and I’m not only fashionable, I’m styled in art therapy by a friend in my community. My inner children are delighted.

Elizabeth Dawn 6/21/25 Elizabeth Dawn 6/21/25

BEcomING the Ultimate Self

I saw Jordan Wong, aka WONGFACE, before he saw me. We were scheduled for a personal tour of his exhibition Play is Infinite (December 2024 - May 2025) at The Pittsburgh Children’s Museum.

Wong stands tall with long black hair curtaining his face; dressed in neutrals, he presented as an ominous figure from a distance, but his gait was curious … it seemed to me he was floating. When he noticed me–a sprite in comparison, prone to bouncing, with glitter on my eyelids, donning heart-shaped sunglasses and a green fur jacket–he hovered in my direction with his hand outstretched and an endearing smile. “Your outfit beautifully matches the artwork you’re standing in front of, as if you belong in the piece.”

His greeting warmed me; I felt I was meeting an old friend, only we’d never met.

Jordan Wong | *Everything x Nothing* (2024) | laser-engraved wood panel with black stained finish and powder-coated steel frame
*photo courtesy of Cornelius Martin of* *Wick Monet*

Who is WONGFACE?

Jordan Wong is a second-generation born Chinese American and Pittsburgh native living in Cleveland. Wong has been drawing since he was 4-years old, inspired by anime, manga, video games and Transformers. As a child, he noted his difference among his peers and felt separate; escaping into art allowed him to create a world where he belonged and could thrive. He went inside.

At California University of Pennsylvania, he focused on refining his art through graphic design. After two years of unemployment following graduation, Wong began working for himself supporting local businesses, non-profits, and other solo entrepreneurs in Cleveland with logos and identities. He began showing his personal art and illustrations in coffee shops, which garnered him exposure and generated interest. For the past three years, Wong has shifted his time and energy toward his fine art practice and collaborative projects where he assists as design consultant or art director. Wong attributes his success to the relationships he has cultivated in his creative profession.

Play is Infinite

Play is Infinite is a collection of eight works displayed on various mediums highlighting processes to teach kids about building an art practice. Drawing inspiration from his cultural heritage alongside modern influences, Wong bridges the gap between digital and physical artistry; themes of creativity, empowerment, and personal growth are expressed in his own code. “I resonated with anime characters [as a child]; their stories and the journey to leveling up. I grew up in a neighborhood where no one looked like me, there were no Asian kids. I struggled to find belonging and identity. I connected with the heroes’ feelings of inadequacy, doubt, and insecurity. Witnessing their character development and subsequent transformation taught me about expressing empowerment.”

*Xiao Huo Miao II* (2024) | *photo courtesy of Cornelius Martin of* *Wick Monet*

Xiao Huo Miao II (2024) is a lightbox of vibrant color inspired by Asian food packaging, which often includes mascots—a blue flame with a face against a pink background advertises antagonistic elements and gameplay iconography. The B with an arrow pointing backward means, if you hit B, you go back; and health bars identify your energy level. The mascot represents the spark of creativity, the things we face as an artist when trying to come up with ideas, while connecting with the energy of flow.

*Tao* (2023) | *photo courtesy of Cornelius Martin of* *Wick Monet*

Tao (2023) is an industrial print on DIBOND, white elements against a black background, paying reverence to Wong’s Chinese—specifically Toisanese—heritage. Many of the first Chinese immigrants came to America to build better lives for themselves and their loved ones. The railroad track motif pays homage to Wong’s ancestors, whose sacrifices paved the way for him as their descendant. The characters are the code: 韌 represents “tenacity,” and the other three, 破極限, translate to “break through limits”.

The collectivism mindset in Chinese culture expresses gratitude in sacrificial living for future generations, and Jordan is mindful of his blessing. “Living as a full-time artist means I come from ancestors who persisted and persevered.” He takes his work seriously, while having fun. “It's a game of chess for me, creating these drawings and orchestrating all the elements. So I establish rules for myself—subtle representations of philosophies I'm playing with in my head.”

Gamifying Life: The Hero’s Journey

Relating to Wong is easy; I notice there exists between us no difference as we interact—we are autonomous, and the same. The philosophies he plays with, I also stretch and pull with imagination. Visual language assists Wong in his quest for identity; mantras hum mysteriously inside each work, offering subtle clues to his progress.

Is the Ultimate Self a destination, or a journey? Is it in your mind?

“That's the question,” Jordan poses, “Initially, it feels like a destination, and then it turns into a journey.”

Play is Infinite returns us to our most inherent desires—those developed innocently, in childhood. Who I dreamt of growing up to be is possible to achieve. I lean heavily on symbolism in my own work, which is centered on self-discovery and expressing a higher, or “healed”, self. There are many factors shaping what we believe about ourselves, and through art as therapeutic practice, I’ve grown more interested in what I believe about myself and expressing that self through my work. So it is easy for me to get lost in Wong’s world, because I find my Ultimate Self reflected.

*BOOM x BLOOM* (2024) | Gold-foil embossed print with laser-engraved mat | *photo courtesy of Cornelius Martin of* *Wick Monet*

Creativity is an empowered state.

PLAY x FLOW (2024) is another personification of creativity from an anxious place and the franticness of having these ideas within you wanting to express. Wong used blue pencil to represent the I-gotta-get-it-out feeling—the hurried nature behind capturing an idea and birthing it.

Creativity is innate to being human. We envision things that don’t exist and bring them into existence. Wong and I each believe our natural state of being is the creative flow—of ideas, inspirations, thoughts, contemplations and emotions. Boredom is ripe for imagination and mistakes are lessons; keys in mastering one’s artistry and becoming. The process of creation, with its inherent imperfections, is essential to finding authenticity and connecting with one's true self.

“An empowered artist is someone who manifests anything that's,” Jordan taps his skull, “up in here. We have the freedom to create. The second quality of an empowered artist is being able to share it; to take all the stuff that's inside you and expose it to empower others with delight and inspiration.”

*PLAY x FLOW* (2024) | *photo courtesy of Cornelius Martin of* *Wick Monet*

Mastery Requires Practice & Discipline

Wong’s follow up exhibition is PRACTICE+-, a collection of 23 works on display at The Portal (February - April 2025), inviting us to ask the question: What am I practicing with the words I use and the thoughts I entertain? To achieve mastery of the self, one must practice being the self.

I studied each piece in PRACTICE+-, making notes of the repeating icons (the animals: rabbit, fish, hawk, turtle, and tiger), and began transcribing his code; the hints of how Wong achieves mastery.

oki doki
Hi!
PRESS START BOSS
LESS◼N UH? SURE OMW
UP x OUT
CLASSIC NICE PAL
BELONG
BEGIN AGAIN
WON ONE
SLOW STAR
YEAH GET UP HEY PLAY
be NOW
DREAM UP MY HOME
SOFT OPEN A+
FLOW BURST RAD LIFE GOOD TALE FINAL
LET’S PARTY THERE HERE AWAY
YES I DO!
THINK ONCE MORE
EVERYTHING X NOTHING
AND YET…
TAO HA HA OH WOW
IT IS HAPPENING!!!
WOUNDS ▶ WISDOM
TOO MANY? CONTINUE
KO OVER
MAX PWR
MASTER SELF
END

The Sun Series was my favorite; 12 limited edition screen prints of organized chaos with hidden meaning. I decided to play with Wong’s code and counted out to the ninth piece, from left to right, treating it like a tarot card.

I am AS WITHIN
OUTSIDE 50%

Xiao Huo Miao II (2025) returns in this collection as a holographic piece, revealing creativity is always there inside of us. Sometimes you have to change positions, look from another angle, to see it. When you look, it may seem new, and it may also feel familiar. The Ultimate Self works like that.

Wong is forthcoming about the time it’s taken him to embrace his Ultimate Self, it doesn’t happen overnight, and I can commiserate the task of changing and growing into a new identity as I believe it of myself. SLOW is in my personal code, too.

“It took time to be comfortable with the identity of being an artist, and embrace my sense of self,” Jordan shares, “It was more than 30 years before I could look in the mirror and be really proud of the person looking back. The confidence was built in the freedom to express—to be myself, both in my art and daily interactions, conversations, everything. There's discipline required, and so much practice that has to be done.”

Being Ultimate Begins Inside

The Ultimate Self begins as a fantasy version of oneself—all powerful, capable of anything, magnetic and beautiful. Creating this self is a way to combat feelings of insecurity or the struggle to find belonging. “The version of me standing here is my younger self realizing I can do this. That’s the first level,” Wong explains. “Then it's discovering why you want to do it, and who can you do it with? Who can you do it for? As I've gotten older, the Ultimate Self is a more contemplative idea. I’m exploring all the questions, what is it? Does it follow you? Is it something you attain?”

Achieving the Ultimate Self is connected to a sense of ego death, liberation from external influences, and a focus on inner wholeness. There is no step-by-step process, no prescribed method for achieving the Ultimate Self. It is a multifaceted, evolving journey; a culmination of lived experiences intertwined with artistic practice and self-discovery converging into a unified whole. This can manifest as an intense moment of clarity, an epiphany. The Ultimate Self is not a fixed state but rather a fluctuating one, with periods of connection and disconnection. The journey, including moments outside of this Ultimate Self, is part of its development.

I can see Wong’s code inside his work because I have my own. I learned to achieve the Ultimate Self when I recognized it's not as much about becoming myself, as it is being myself.

Wong’s beaming face tells me I struck a chord; this is why I felt I knew him at first meeting. “Most understand this in theory but not in practice,” he agrees, “When you come to this realization and you practice, you learn to focus your energy inside and that affects your external experience. It’s not the other way around. A lot of the time we point the finger, judging a situation, person or interaction instead of going inward to calibrate ourselves. It's really our perception of those things, and how we react or respond to them that shapes reality and the worldview we craft. The external doesn't matter; or it matters less and less—a hard pill to swallow.”

*So You Wanna Transcend, Huh?* (2024) zoomed-in

*So You Wanna Transcend, Huh?* (2024) zoomed-in | industrial print on vinyl installed on aluminum panels

Like Wong, my quest has been decades in the making, and Memoirtistry is the method I developed to aid me. To be the Ultimate Self, I’ve had to make peace with, and sometimes sacrifice, the parts of me who do not believe in me so I can change into someone I’ve never been. In Taoism, there is a belief of effortless effort—striving for something while also not having it simultaneously be a practice of lack. “This is where it gets paradoxical,” Wong explains, “In the pursuit to become the Ultimate Self, you begin with the idea you are not the Ultimate Self, which is not within the definition of being the Ultimate Self. So it's turning in on itself. Recontextualizing it, in what ways am I preventing myself from being me? Because at the end of the day, you can't be someone else. You have to be you.”

He adds a caveat. “It’s very scary to grab what you want.”

Wong emphasizes the importance of self-reflection, emotional awareness, and addressing inner anxieties as crucial steps. This involves acknowledging and processing difficult emotions, such as those stemming from trauma or feelings of inadequacy. Practice doesn’t equal perfection, it becomes play and anything goes, infinitely. When I am present with my Ultimate Self, I feel good being myself; I don't want to live in my head. I want to engage with the world and consciously respond.

Wong’s art expresses the strength that comes from believing in the self. “It's a powerful thought exercise to envision yourself as the Ultimate Self. How do they act? What are they prioritizing? What are their habits? When you start implementing what you learn, you realize the Ultimate Self is me. It's me right now already.”

Play & Practice are a guidebook to the Ultimate Self.

Wong encourages infinite play and ongoing practice to be the Ultimate Self. It’s a cycle of growth that allows you to be the most you you can be. When Wong first greeted me at The Children’s Museum, his Ultimate Self met mine; the ease in creative conversation, asking questions and wondering, we were artists in tune.

*Dreamland* (2024) | vinyl print | *photo courtesy of Cornelius Martin of* *Wick Monet*

inside of WONGFACE, I see myself reflected,

and because I see

I can be

more me

simply because he

is being

We are the only ones who can fully realize ourselves. This pursuit can involve rebelling against societal expectations and instead, embracing vulnerability. Authenticity and sincerity have strong energetic resonance. “Anything outside of that,” Wong explains, “if there's not an organic flow or vibrance to it, is contrived, fake. It's forced. Something with high energetic qualities is also that which is the most comfortable and accepting and true. The Ultimate Self is your truest self.”

Elizabeth Dawn 4/8/25 Elizabeth Dawn 4/8/25

We’re All Going to Die

Matthew Higgins, the chef at The Pitch on Butler, and longtime friend of bar owner Bryan Muha, is dying.

Every other Wednesday night, in Lawrenceville, I host an Open Mic at The Pitch for artists, poets, musicians and storytellers. Over the course of a year, I’ve developed friendships with the regulars and staff. Bryan served Matt his first beer when Matt turned 21. Now, at 33-years old, Matt grapples with mortality, and a timeline.

The End of Life

Originally diagnosed with a rare type of blood cancer called polycythemia vera, Higgins sought treatment. Polycythemia vera occurs when a mutation in a gene causes a problem with blood cell production; a genetic disorder that runs in Higgins’ family. “I had a poor reaction to one of the treatment plans and it mutated [into] leukemia. It's hard to pinpoint an exact time frame, but [doctors] say I might have one or two more healthy years left. Then it's pretty rapid downhill from there.”

I wonder, when you’re dying, how any time left is considered healthy.

Higgins’ body will deteriorate, beginning with his organs. He endures slight damage to his kidneys, lung damage from a pulmonary embolism, and recently suffered a mini stroke. “I try not to think about it too much to tell you the truth. I think [most] people die from secondary infections, or they enter a blast phase, where the body releases a ton of blast fills into the blood, and that… chokes everything else out.”

He doesn’t know what bodily sensations to expect as he nears the end; he’s gone over the generals with his doctors, who are largely experimental with his treatment at this point, but he hasn’t wanted to get too specific. He wants to be surprised by death. Can you be surprised if you know it’s coming?

Higgins doesn’t cling to any ideals about an afterlife. "I believe that anybody alive has no idea [what happens after death], and we'll never know until we die."

Before he was diagnosed with cancer, Matt was a Petty Officer Second Class in the United States Navy, serving 2010-2013. He’s trained for extreme survival conditions. After leaving the Navy, however, he describes a lifestyle many are familiar with, one of complacency. “…12 years going to the bar, working, going back to the bar, sleeping, and playing video games every day. … So now I'm just gonna do something completely different. That's been my dream.”

A Death Pilgrimage

A death pilgrimage is a journey undertaken with the awareness of one's impending mortality, often serving as a means of reflection, while seeking to reconcile the spiritual, emotional, or psychological aspects of dying. Matt has always been called to nature, to the outdoors, and adventure that tests you physically and mentally. On Thursday, March 20, 2025, he embarked upon a mission to fulfill a long held dream—he is hiking The Appalachian Trail (A.T.), through one of the oldest mountain ranges in the world. There is no more time to be lost.

Higgins hopped a bus to Georgia to begin a 2,197-mile hike, destined for Bangor, Maine. He expects the journey to take anywhere from five to seven months, depending upon his health. He carries 35 pounds of gear, six days’ worth of food, and only two pairs of pants, a shirt, and sleepwear. He plans to replenish resources in town every four days, and connect with a friend halfway through for new clothes.

Resistance is futile.

Higgins experiences mood swings about his death; he rides a pendulum from acceptance to depression to curiosity. In addition to receiving cognitive rehab one a week, Higgins began a meditative practice through therapy at UPMC Hillman Cancer Center. He journals frequently to relieve his mind. A fan of tabletop RPG games, his greatest comfort on the trail may be his own storytelling; he is a skilled Dungeon Master. Rewriting personal accounts to make peace is a mental puzzle, and gamifying life experiences can ease the threat of rumination. Intrusive Thoughts—a card pulled; they are simply what his character is facing. As the observer and guide, Higgins is navigating the choices before him. He embraces the trail as a metaphor for life itself—a path fraught with challenges, beauty, and encounters with one's limitations and strengths. He tells me the first third of the hike is all physical, “Then the middle chunk is all psychological.”

According to The Appalachian Trail Conservancy, completing the entire 2,190+ miles of the A.T. in one trip is a mammoth undertaking. Each year, thousands of hikers attempt a thru-hike; only about one in four makes it all the way. There is no information as to how many thru-hikers attempt the trek, and survive, while their bodies are actively dying.

How will your death impact your life?

When you believe you have nothing more to lose, the threat of death can inspire change. Dreams discarded for reasons not remembered come back to life.

Matt and I have related in the pain of family estrangement and loss of companionship; when we first met, on July 7, 2024, his long term partnership was ending—‘til death not a promise made. I was struck by Matt’s grief; his vulnerability unapologetic. Death reminds us life is precious. There will be a last note of this beating heart. In his tear-filled eyes, I saw myself—the me I am when overcome by the wave of grief carrying reminders of my aunt’s unexpected death in 2019. They say she died instantly, which is not how Matt’s “supposed” to go. Surprise is still possible, and preferable to him.

As Higgins embraces dying, he focuses on the cycles of the natural world. “I believe things don't necessarily happen for a reason. They just happen. That's the nature of this universe, we're in a constant state of change, always. Change and decay. That is it.”

Who Higgins once was has already died; he had to give up an undying self. A dream reignited from loss is a win to me. By traversing the trail, Matt mirrors the universal quest for meaning amidst uncertainty, inviting us all to ponder our own paths and the end we ultimately face. “Maybe you just need to change your frame of reference. Like, most of my treatments were pretty unsuccessful, and there were a couple other directions I could have gone, that might have led to a little bit more success, but might have also really shortened things for me. And instead of looking at that as a death sentence, I have decided to choose what to do with the time I have left.”

Higgins plans to return to Pittsburgh. He doesn’t expect to die on this trail, but I get the impression he wouldn’t necessarily be upset if he did. If he becomes too sick to continue, he assured me he’s thought it through.

My aunt’s death inspired me to change my life; Matt’s own is doing the same to him. “Keep fighting.” Higgins imparts, “Never give up, even when things seem hopeless.”

If we live in the awareness we will die, all of life is a death pilgrimage; it’s simply how we play the game.